


wave goodbye to all

by chameleonmikey



Series: sad stuff [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, luke and ash are in it but not enough to tag, this is so sad im so sorry i dont know whats wrong with me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-18 08:48:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2342384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chameleonmikey/pseuds/chameleonmikey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael doesn't remember a time when he was happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wave goodbye to all

**Author's Note:**

> i was really sad when i wrote this and all i succeeded in doing was making myself even sadder
> 
> title from 'walking disaster' by Sum 41

Michael doesn't remember a time when he was happy.

 

He remembers when he was 12 and he hated Luke Hemmings because Luke was so good looking and smart and talented and everything Michael wasn't. Michael remembers seeing Luke's Youtube videos for the first time and he remembers how that was the first time he ever brought a razor blade to his body.

 

Michael remembers the worst month of his life, the one where his best friend Calum kind of forgot about him, and how dark it had been inside his head. He remembers how the world had seemed like it was going to suck Michael up and how he was in a constant haze to block it out.

 

He remembers how when Calum came back, friends with Luke, things between them went back to normal, but Michael's mind didn't. He remembers how every day, he would hang out with Calum and Luke, and then every night, he would lock himself inside his bathroom and watch beads of blood appear on his wrist with an alarming sense of calm. He remembers how it didn't even worry him how comforting those late nights in the bathroom were.

 

Michael remembers when they started playing music together and how he screwed up every solo and his voice wasn't as good as Calum's or Luke's. He remembers how the only good thing he ever did for their band was introduce them to Ashton.

 

Michael remembers when he started dying his hair because he thought maybe if his hair looked happy, people would think he was too. He remembers how he studied himself in the mirror, and how he could see how broken and tired he looked, hidden behind the bright hair. He remembers when he decided to dye it relentlessly, not caring how badly he ruined his hair.

 

He remembers when they became almost a proper band and started playing more and more gigs and when their Youtube videos got an insane amount of views and how he started thinking 'hey, maybe it'll be okay,' until the social media got to him.

 

Michael remembers how his nighttime routine changed slightly. He would still make the straight, clean cuts on his body – he had gone through his thighs, wrists and stomach, and was now fitting more inbetween the variety of healed and fresh scars – but then instead of going straight to sleep, Michael would curl into himself and read his own hate until it was Satan's hour.

 

He remembers when their band got really big because of the attention they got from One Direction and Michael remembers thinking it was his last chance to get out. He remembers only not doing it because the night he had planned because Calum had decided his own hotel bed wasn't good enough and he wanted to sleep in Michael's.

 

Michael remembers how they gained more fans, which also meant more haters, and the need to look at the hate grew stronger. He remembers noticing how he got a lot more of it than the other boys and how he was everyone's least favourite memember and he remembers the first time he carved a word into his skin. _'Worthless.'_

 

Michael remembers when he got careless. He remembers how he stopped caring and didn't clean his cuts and stopped eating and sleeping and dyed his hair every month. He remembers how he didn't even stop to lock the door to the bathroom anymore and how he stopped faking smiles because whenever he forced one onto his face, his stomach twisted and he wanted to throw up. He remembers how the boys managed to convince management to give them a break, but they couldn't convince Michael to talk to them.

 

He remembers the afternoon when he realized things were never going to be okay. He remembers how it had been raining but the boys were laughing together and throwing jokes across the room and how they looked so bright and happy and alive. He remembers thinking he'd never fit in with them and it would be better for everyone if he left so that they didn't have to kick him out of the band like they were probably already thinking about doing. Michael remembers being grateful they had put up with him as long as they had.

 

Michael remembers when he went to the bathroom for the last time. He remembers how this time he locked the door and how the cuts were deeper and more ragged and careless than usual, but most of all, he remembers how they were vertical instead of horizontal. He remembers how he didn't stop until he felt dizzy from bloodloss and the room smelled intoxicatingly of copper.

 

Michael remembers how someone knocked on the door and he remembers now being sure if he didn't answer because he didn't want to or if it was because he physically couldn't. Michael remembers someone barging into the door, forcing it to fly open, and he remembers suddenly being in someones arms. He remembers when he recognized the someone as Calum.

 

Michael remembers Calum's violent sobs and his shouts for Ashton and Luke to call an ambulance. He remembers Luke's shocked scream and comparing Ashton's complexion to fresh snow. He remembers feeling bad but how that was replaced by relief when everything started fading to black.

 

He remembers Calum leaning over him, shaking and whispering incoherently, and he remembers thinking 'sorry,' and thinking that maybe he said that outloud because Calum let out a strangled cry that sounded so pained it only made Michael hate himself even more.

 

Michael remembers how he couldn't feel anything except for Calum's tears on his neck and he remembers when he couldn't even feel that. He remembers smiling.

 


End file.
